Last night I had a meltdown. A full on, ugly, uncontrollable bawl fest. It’s been brewing for weeks. I could feel it, but I really wanted to ignore it and hope that it would just go away. So that’s what I did. Ignored it, but then it decided to rear it’s ugly head anyway. Surprise, surprise! In the midst of my toddler having a full on melt down because he was “all done” with sleeping, despite the fact that it was only 10:30 at night, all my feelings of failure and self-doubt hit me like a ton of bricks. I was done. There I found myself, in my closet, throwing clothes around and whaling like a baby. I should have rolled around on the floor for dramatic’s sake.
After asking many times, “why me, God,” and begging for sleep to take over my child, I finally found peace. He was still screaming, mind you, but I was able to put my patient, parenting hat back on long enough to work it’s magic.
Since the beginning of the new year, my energy level has been slowly diminishing. I started the year with gusto, as always. January is always filled with the beauty of fresh starts and I made plans. Big plans, as I always do, but three weeks later, I’m still waiting for them to start. I find myself saying, ok, Abby, we will start next week. Exercise routine, changing my eating habits, diving into coaching work, getting P back to a regular school routine. All of it, has yet to start. Why can’t I get my shit together has been my mantra these few weeks?
I’m floundering. Jumping from thing to thing, keeping everything afloat long enough to survive, but not thrive. How do mothers do this? How do they find balance? You mothers know this, you never get to leave “work.” You have to pee with your child on your lap, figure out what is for dinner, make sure everyone has their clothes clean, and still be a woman. Nothing is sacred any more. From all the self reflection I’ve done over the years, I know this to be true. If I do not invest in myself I am crap to everyone else. And right now, I am so far removed from myself, it shows. I’m blaming cc for not doing enough, I’m blaming P for our bad days, and I’m pissed that I can’t just get up and go to a job.
I have internalized all of this, and it has only festered. By not communicating about it, I haven’t solved any issues or used any of the tools I know to get out of this mental mess. That’s all it really is anyway. The problem, therein, lies in me. Not in my wife or child. In the light of day, with puffy eyes, I see it. But as I sit here writing this, raw, I don’t want to think about how to fix it, I just want to feel. Not wallow in self pity, but feel the anger and sadness. Because honestly, it’s the only way through to the other side. Sitting in it is the only way to get rid of it.
Just go with it. That’s my mantra today. This will pass as long as I acknowledge it. Once I do that, my mental rat race will shift and I’ll be able to make the changes I need in order to see change. Radical shifts are coming. I can feel that too. I best pay attention. Off to meditate!
How about you, what are you harboring that you need to address? Just go with it!